Out Growing My Fear

One would think that fear would be the opponent in today's challenge. It lurks, waiting for a moment in which we are most vulnerable; a moment where uncertainty peaks and curiosity falters. It is the unknown that we fear, and the more knowledgeable we are, the more ways we can address it. Fear, however, isn't my opponent.

Being the curious individual that I am, I remember confronting most of my fears growing up. Things that I was once afraid of no longer have a hold on me. Now, I have a more informed sense of understanding, which makes resisting my fears easier. The things that cause me to embrace fear have a singular source; that source is dependent on my level of control.

Many of the things I feel would invoke fear are things that I could overcome if I were in control. A bear doesn't scare me, however, being unable to maintain control in a scenario where a bear is present, does. There are no more than three people who have ever seen me out of control, stumbling drunk, or even angry; I rarely lose control. That isn't to say that I don't enjoy having fun, chaos is my Alma mater, but there is a fear of acting out that always lingers.

My biggest fear is that I will do something either against my will or in a state where my thoughts aren't my own. I'm afraid of losing control, in turn harming someone close to me. This fear is rooted deep within my core, living in the memories of someone I once knew. When it grows, it's because my imagination provides the nutrients. Ironically, I garden my fear as I stand guard, in my fear. I am my opponent; my inner me is my enemy.